Another new citizen
Yesterday was Won's swearing in ceremony to become a U. S. Citizen. She was really looking forward to that.I didn't go. I hung out with friends instead and tried not to think about it.
I also spent part of Saturday at my credit union, telling them that my wife was dead, and that her personal account should be closed, and her name taken off of our joint account. They wanted a death certificate - so I gave them the death certificate from Korea, along with her cremation certificate.
But the death certificate listed her maiden name, not her married name. In Korea, the woman doesn't change her name in marriage, but Won changed her name for me here in America. Since she was only a Permanent Resident with a green card, Won traveled on her Korean passport and still had a National Korean ID card.
The credit union couldn't do anything right away, because the name on the death certificate didn't match the name of the account holder. I was ready for that though... I had our marriage certificate with me, along with a copy of her Korean Passport that said she was married to me. I also had a copy of her green card and her cremation certificate. The credit union copied everything and sent it to their legal department. I should know something in a few days.
I guess since it only took a few minutes to clear the legalities with customs and immigration, that I expected the same to happen at the credit union. They seem more cautious than the Feds.
It was rainy and gloomy yesterday and this morning. It rained off and on all night last night. It fits my mood.
She was so looking forward to being an American, and was eager to vote in her first election.
This week has been a wash
It's Friday, and I don't know how I feel about that. I guess I'm looking forward to sleeping in. I've made some time to see a few friends over this weekend, I'm looking forward to that. Plus there's Movie Night on Sunday - that will make me happier too.
I've spent the whole week in a trough - I completely lost a day this week. I finally figured out this morning that having President's Day off has thrown me completely out of whack. I was so sure that Thursday was actually Wednesday.
'Grief is no fun' would seem to be an obvious truism. But in the initial weeks after Won's death, I thought I had a kind of strength that allowed me to continue my daily routine. I've since learned, through experience and through counseling, that this was merely a form of shock.
As the barriers of shock crumbled, so did my composure. I literally spent all of Tuesday with tears in my eyes. I went through my projects at work this week automatically, on neutral - with no flair nor interest. I've since regained some of my composure, but even now a thought, a place, an object can bring me back to tears.
Roger Ebert is right, there is no "dignity" in dying. I would add that there is very little dignity in mourning.
Ours was not a fairy tail marriage. We had some really rocky times, and for a while I was sure we wouldn't make it. But I was always there for her. And now she's not there.
This whole town is haunted. I walk into stores where she once touched a door, I step where I know she has stepped in the past. When I drive down the road my eye is caught by the places where we've stopped to eat.
She loved the spring cherry blossoms. The cherry tree outside my office complex is once again in bloom.
I know there will be peaks of joy again in my life - but right now I'm in a trough of the wave, and all I can see around me are walls of water. There are, however, still things that I'm passionate about, still things that can draw me out of myself.
So I know I won't always feel this way.
I've spent the whole week in a trough - I completely lost a day this week. I finally figured out this morning that having President's Day off has thrown me completely out of whack. I was so sure that Thursday was actually Wednesday.
'Grief is no fun' would seem to be an obvious truism. But in the initial weeks after Won's death, I thought I had a kind of strength that allowed me to continue my daily routine. I've since learned, through experience and through counseling, that this was merely a form of shock.
As the barriers of shock crumbled, so did my composure. I literally spent all of Tuesday with tears in my eyes. I went through my projects at work this week automatically, on neutral - with no flair nor interest. I've since regained some of my composure, but even now a thought, a place, an object can bring me back to tears.
Roger Ebert is right, there is no "dignity" in dying. I would add that there is very little dignity in mourning.
Ours was not a fairy tail marriage. We had some really rocky times, and for a while I was sure we wouldn't make it. But I was always there for her. And now she's not there.
This whole town is haunted. I walk into stores where she once touched a door, I step where I know she has stepped in the past. When I drive down the road my eye is caught by the places where we've stopped to eat.
She loved the spring cherry blossoms. The cherry tree outside my office complex is once again in bloom.
I know there will be peaks of joy again in my life - but right now I'm in a trough of the wave, and all I can see around me are walls of water. There are, however, still things that I'm passionate about, still things that can draw me out of myself.
So I know I won't always feel this way.
I've been told I'm stirring the pot
I've been a bit busy lately.
I woke up last Saturday with a really positive attitude. Although I still have down moments, and was very sad on Wednesday evening, for the most part I've been... I dunno... content? Happy is too strong a word... perhaps "interested" is better.
Like I have been saying, I know I'm going to be okay. Won would have wanted that for me.
So here is what I've been doing. I've been showing up in the news a lot lately as the speaker for the Central Valley Alliance of Atheists and Skeptics.
If you have recently googled Fresno Prayer and Atheists, you might wind up here. If so, check out the story on the CVAAS website.
I didn't plan on being a spokesperson on this issue. The Freedom from Religion Foundation is the one who delivered the letter on behalf of CVAAS members. We are here to provide legal "standing" if needed.
But I have no fear of speaking in public. So I guess I'm the one.
I'm on Twitter fairly often, you can follow me to the right. You're welcome to even send me a message that way if you wish. I'm afraid my poor blog has taken a major hit to the investigative reporting that I so enjoy doing. But those sorts of reports take time and effort.
I woke up last Saturday with a really positive attitude. Although I still have down moments, and was very sad on Wednesday evening, for the most part I've been... I dunno... content? Happy is too strong a word... perhaps "interested" is better.
Like I have been saying, I know I'm going to be okay. Won would have wanted that for me.
So here is what I've been doing. I've been showing up in the news a lot lately as the speaker for the Central Valley Alliance of Atheists and Skeptics.
If you have recently googled Fresno Prayer and Atheists, you might wind up here. If so, check out the story on the CVAAS website.
I didn't plan on being a spokesperson on this issue. The Freedom from Religion Foundation is the one who delivered the letter on behalf of CVAAS members. We are here to provide legal "standing" if needed.
But I have no fear of speaking in public. So I guess I'm the one.
I'm on Twitter fairly often, you can follow me to the right. You're welcome to even send me a message that way if you wish. I'm afraid my poor blog has taken a major hit to the investigative reporting that I so enjoy doing. But those sorts of reports take time and effort.
Been keeping busy
I've been busy last weekend.
I've spent the weekend cleaning out my garage woodshop and getting ready to install new shelves, tear apart my benches, and make a new routing table all in an effort to give me the room to install my new lathe.
I've also been slowly going through Won's stuff, and getting ready to sell those things we no longer need. I am figuring out what items hold sentimental value so I can send them to my sister.
And I've jumped back into CVAAS. Sunday we had a great meeting, and I had a wonderful time at Drinking Skeptically. Thanks for the card everyone, I appreciate it.
Over the last month CVAAS brought one of our projects to life - and the fallout from that has kept CVAAS officers busy late into the night last night. Today several news organizations have called us for follow up.
So what's that all about? Well, the Freedom from Religion Foundation has sent a letter of warning to Fresno Mayor Ashley Swearengin.
So, I've been busy for the last 4 days, very busy. I've been upbeat mostly - keeping busy has certainly helped. i still get melancholy from time to time, and I don't expect this to last... but perhaps the times of light will happen longer, and more often than the times of darkness in my future.
I've spent the weekend cleaning out my garage woodshop and getting ready to install new shelves, tear apart my benches, and make a new routing table all in an effort to give me the room to install my new lathe.
I've also been slowly going through Won's stuff, and getting ready to sell those things we no longer need. I am figuring out what items hold sentimental value so I can send them to my sister.
And I've jumped back into CVAAS. Sunday we had a great meeting, and I had a wonderful time at Drinking Skeptically. Thanks for the card everyone, I appreciate it.
Over the last month CVAAS brought one of our projects to life - and the fallout from that has kept CVAAS officers busy late into the night last night. Today several news organizations have called us for follow up.
So what's that all about? Well, the Freedom from Religion Foundation has sent a letter of warning to Fresno Mayor Ashley Swearengin.
So, I've been busy for the last 4 days, very busy. I've been upbeat mostly - keeping busy has certainly helped. i still get melancholy from time to time, and I don't expect this to last... but perhaps the times of light will happen longer, and more often than the times of darkness in my future.
Getting on with getting on.
It's come to my attention that the world is still turning. Tonight when I left work the sky was still lit from the fading light of day - I can feel Spring coming. And each day is starting to feel a bit more normal.
I'm not sure how I feel about this. It seems so... unfair.
I had to cancel another doctor's appointment for Won. And yesterday I paid for my car insurance. It was cheaper now that Won is no longer on my insurance. We married in 1988, just after I turned 25. My car insurance rates plummeted that year because of my age and marital status. How surreal that she helped my insurance rates by being there, and by not being there.
Thanks go to "Aunty" Liz for suggesting the masseuse. You're right, it helps. Thank you Wendy, and thank you John for bringing me delicious food, and for making sure I ate it. Thank you Jackie & John for going way above and beyond in my time of need. Thanks to my neighbors, co-workers, family and friends for checking in on me, for listening to me. And thank you to all my friends and readers who helped me financially. I start mailing out my thank you's this weekend. It might take a few days for me to get them all out.
I didn't realize I knew so many people. Don't be strangers. You're welcome to visit - just call.
I'm starting to do things now. I had a lot of plates in the air when Won died, and they all came crashing down. And I didn't care. Now, I'm finally feeling like picking a few of those plates back up and starting them spinning again.
At least tonight I feel like it. Who knows how I'll feel tomorrow. I'm reminded of Screwtape's explanation of "human undulation", the peaks and the troughs that we all experience. When on a peak, we have a hard time imagining that we can fall back to a trough again. Some things C.S. Lewis got right, he was pretty smart about humans. And I find the foreshadowing of his own tragedies interesting.
Hmm. I'm also finding it difficult to stay focused....
So, the biggest set of plates that I dropped is with CVAAS. This weekend I'll start picking them up again. I'll be at the CVAAS monthly business meeting this Sunday. If you've been working with me on CVAAS business, now is an appropriate time to send me another email to remind me of a dropped plate.
I'm still bringing order out the chaos of my life, but I can feel that I'm going to be okay.
I'm not sure how I feel about this. It seems so... unfair.
I had to cancel another doctor's appointment for Won. And yesterday I paid for my car insurance. It was cheaper now that Won is no longer on my insurance. We married in 1988, just after I turned 25. My car insurance rates plummeted that year because of my age and marital status. How surreal that she helped my insurance rates by being there, and by not being there.
Thanks go to "Aunty" Liz for suggesting the masseuse. You're right, it helps. Thank you Wendy, and thank you John for bringing me delicious food, and for making sure I ate it. Thank you Jackie & John for going way above and beyond in my time of need. Thanks to my neighbors, co-workers, family and friends for checking in on me, for listening to me. And thank you to all my friends and readers who helped me financially. I start mailing out my thank you's this weekend. It might take a few days for me to get them all out.
I didn't realize I knew so many people. Don't be strangers. You're welcome to visit - just call.
I'm starting to do things now. I had a lot of plates in the air when Won died, and they all came crashing down. And I didn't care. Now, I'm finally feeling like picking a few of those plates back up and starting them spinning again.
At least tonight I feel like it. Who knows how I'll feel tomorrow. I'm reminded of Screwtape's explanation of "human undulation", the peaks and the troughs that we all experience. When on a peak, we have a hard time imagining that we can fall back to a trough again. Some things C.S. Lewis got right, he was pretty smart about humans. And I find the foreshadowing of his own tragedies interesting.
Hmm. I'm also finding it difficult to stay focused....
So, the biggest set of plates that I dropped is with CVAAS. This weekend I'll start picking them up again. I'll be at the CVAAS monthly business meeting this Sunday. If you've been working with me on CVAAS business, now is an appropriate time to send me another email to remind me of a dropped plate.
I'm still bringing order out the chaos of my life, but I can feel that I'm going to be okay.
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